Approach with respect
The tone matters as much as the topic. A few principles help:
- Identify problems and enlist their help finding solutions. It might scare you that your parent has left their front door for hours after they got home. If you have time, mention your concern but don't yet offer a solution. And don't describe the problem as the door but rather describe your own personal problem of worrying about the door. After talking about other things or even in a later conversation, bring up the topic of how that worried you and ask your parents for ideas to solve it. You can then offer your proposed solution (maybe a designated resting place indoors for the keys, or an alarm that goes off if the door is open for more than ten minutes). Your parents will be more likely to agree that a solution is needed if they aren't also bristling about the specifics of the solutions.
- Ask, don't tell. "What would help you feel safest and most comfortable in the next few years?" invites a real conversation; "You can't keep living alone" ends one. Similar to the first suggestion, asking a question of curiosity helps them buy in to the solution. Your parents may react defensively, so use questions carefully. If your parent receives every question as a challenge, then skip this option.
- Listen and reflect back. Show you've heard by restating what they've said before responding. This reflection also slows down the conversation, which is a good thing. Try to do a lot more listening than you do talking. And leave long spaces in the conversation. This can be uncomfortable during a phone call or a quiet face-to-face conversation. A car ride, watching a sporting event, or a text message exchange may be easier to give space for some conversations.
- Start with their goals. Your goals may be different from theirs. Their current goals may be different from their past goals. And, they may tell you one set of goals but you may discover that those are not really what they want. It may take an investigation to figure out their actual goals. One way to investigate is trial and error: you offer a solution that fits their stated goal, then they tell you what they hate about it. This can be frustrating if you think the point of your conversation is to reach a solution. Instead, set an intermediate purpose in your conversations as figuring out their actual goals. Because a perfect fit to their imperfect request will fail eventually, so you will be better off spending extra time upfront to confirm you're on the right path.
Talk early and often
The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today. And by "plant a tree" I mean "talk to your parents." Start a routine of talking about a variety of things. Don't try to reverse roles and treat them like they did you as a teenager, but do try to get them comfortable to talk about anything. There is a lot you cannot control about your parents, but you can control how you react to things and that will give you the best chance that they'll open up to you if they need help. If they haven't talked to you in six months, they're unlikely to call out of the blue and talk about their leaky pipe or unpaid electric bill. If they talk weekly and know that you had a leaky water heater last year and almost got scammed by a fake call "from the bank," they're more likely to mention things during your regular catch-up call.
Regular conversations while things are still hypothetical can give you a chance to learn their feelings about household help, finances, and end-of-life wishes. Talking about these topics when they matter less will make it easier to talk about them when they are more immediate and personal.
Standard advice is to have hard conversations in-person, face-to-face. Your earlier conversations with your parents will help guide you in whether this is desirable. Would they rather have a distraction and time to think, like talking while watching a TV show or fishing or riding in a car? The car ride is nice because it's quiet and private but also there's not an expectation to look each other in the eye. If hearing is of concern, texting or email may be your standard communication with your parents. If that's your norm, it could make sense to stay in that mode for the tough conversations, too. Do not delay conversations until hearing is perfect.
When it's hard
Old family patterns can make it hard for your parents to see you as anything other than their child. That's normal. A neutral third party can help. My spouse and I sometimes tag in to talk with the in-laws, as that's a more transactional relationship that can progress without the weight of past annoyances. We've had success when the in-law has a skillset the parents can use and the adult child stays out of the conversation.
Your parents also may be inflexible and unwilling to change. You may find it useful to work with your own therapist or to read the book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Children can't change their parents, but you may be able to change yourself to get along better. Or to be able to tolerate not getting along.
Your parents may not accept your great ideas. You may have to walk away from a conversation. Few conversations are worth ending relationships over, but some are. In most cases, you can agree to disagree - at least for now - and go back to your standard family relationship. This may mean you decide some topics are off limits, or that you check in periodically to see if they're ready to engage.
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